AJ's Matchmaking Service
by CidLover1
Summary: Follow AJ, Phil, and their antics as the couple tries their hand at match making (I know, short but sweet summary lol)! Feel free to review potential clients if you like. I may take them into regard. ;) Rated T for Mild Swearing and a few suggestive themes.
1. Master Plan

**A/N: I got this idea from a game that I play on my phone called Kitty Powers' Matchmaking (Fun game). This is my first full-on humor (and somewhat crack) fic, so I hope you enjoy it! Leave a review or follow! :-) Love you guys!**

AJ Brooks tapped at her pursed lips impatiently as she sat on the sofa waiting for her husband Phil "CM Punk" Brooks to emerge from the bathroom.

"What the hell are you doing there?" She shouted. She heard him reply.

"I'm trying to tame my cow lick!" Phil said with an unusually feminine lilt.

"Will you just gel it back like you always do and get out here? I gotta talk to you!" AJ heard Phil audibly huff and then saw him open the door. He stood in the doorway wearing nothing but blue and white Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles underwear and a pink bandana around his head with two sections of hair hanging down in front of his face. All AJ could do was blink as Phil put his hands on his hips in disgust.

"This had better important, Girl!" Phil said with slight attitude. "This hair isn't gonna fix itself!" AJ narrowed her eyes.

"Just come sit down, dumbass." AJ said stoically. Phil huffed again before making his way to the sofa and sitting next to AJ. "I've been thinking."

"That would explain the beads of sweat on your forehead." Phil snapped back, making AJ look at him as if she were throwing daggers into his eyes.

"I've been thinking about what to do with my free time now that I don't wrestle anymore." Phil scratched his chin.

"You could help animals find homes." He said. AJ sighed.

"Ever since that random black cat-" Phil held his hand up before AJ could finish.

"You're racist now?" He said to her. "Why's it gotta be a black cat? Why can't it be an African-American cat?" AJ blinked a few times.

"You're right." She said before continuing her previous thought. "Ever since that random African-American cat peed in my hair and bit my toenail, I don't feel the same way I used to about that."

"So, like, fuck cats?"

"Fuck cats." Phil sighed again before attempting to blow the strands of hair out of his face.

"I was thinking about that matchmaking game I play on my phone." AJ said. "It's so easy on the game to match people up! I think we can do that!"

"What do you mean by 'we' exactly?" Phil asked skeptically.

"You're doing this with me because Wife!" AJ harped. Phil stood up quickly.

"I'm not doing it because Man!" Phil retorted. AJ stood up.

"Wife beats Man!"

"Husband beats Wife!" AJ then pulled out a wooden club and proceeded to hit Phil in the face with it, knocking him back down to the sofa unconscious.

"Wood beats Face, bitch!" AJ yelled as she pointed at the then unconscious Phil. She then pulled a microphone out of her pocket and dropped it on the floor, causing it to make a loud sound. AJ casually walked to the kitchen, grabbed a bowl of water she had sitting randomly on the shelf, returned to the living room, and dumped the water onto Phil. He woke up in a daze and shouted as he fought for his breath after being drenched in cold water.

"What the hell is wrong with you!?" Phil shouted. AJ simply shrugged. "You could have killed me!"

"But did you die?" AJ asked apathetically as she listened to her husband heave.

"No." Phil said hesitantly.

"Okay then. Get dried off and dressed. We've got some work to do!"

* * *

That night, Vince McMahon plopped down in his seat to relax after spending the entire night eating raw eggs (two dozen of them to be exact), oiling his biceps, and thinking of how to insert the Undertaker into the following week's show. He attempted to pick up the remote to his one-hundred twenty inch television, only to have it slip out of his hands due to the amount of body oil he used on himself. Vince cursed verbally before trying again, the same result occurring. He then wiped his hands on his pajama pants and snatched at the remote. Unfortunately, he underestimated his grip and the remote broke in two pieces.

"Goddammit!" Vince shouted. He then heard a booming sound then saw a large violet cloud of smoke appear beside him. He then saw former WWE Diva Sable appear from within it wearing a violet genie-styled outfit (of the revealing nature, of course) with her arms folded. Vince gave her a surprised look.

"You called, sir?" She asked.

"Yes!" Vince snapped back.

"Broke another remote?" Vince did not reply, making Sable blink. "Lay off the eggs, okay?" Sable snapped her fingers and the remote put itself back together.

"What would I do without you?" Vince said thankfully.

"Probably not watch as much television and get some sun, which I would highly recommend." Vince narrowed his eyes.

"Get out of my house!" He shouted. Sable then nodded her head, causing an audible bell to go off and an even larger cloud of violet smoke to appear in a boom. Vince coughed as the smoke filled the room and set off the fire alarms, which in turn caused the ceiling hoses to go off and wet everything in the home. Vince sat in the now soaked sofa as water rained down on him. He grabbed the television remote and turned the television on (fortunately for him, it was water proof because he is Vince McMahon and does things like that). He grimaced as he saw he had missed the show he wanted to watch.

"Dammit!" Vince said. "I missed Will and Grace! That Karen is somethin'!" He then began humming the theme song to the Will and Grace show. As he became entranced by his own antics, he heard a familiar voice coming from the television.

"Are you having trouble in your love life?" He heard the voice say. He opened his eyes and looked at the screen to see Phil Brooks in a blue suit pointing at a photo of a sad woman crying (cue in that first-world problems meme lady). Vince blinked as he eyed his man crush on the screen. "Well let us here at AJ's Matchmaking Service help you find love!" A picture of a man and a woman lovingly holding hands replaced the previous photo. "Whatever you're into…" Several couples (hetero and homo) showed up the screen next to Phil. "We will find YOU that special someone!" AJ then stepped out from behind Phil wearing a matching blue form-fitting dress.

"We'll take our time to find out everything there is to know about you so that we can match you with YOUR perfect match!" She said. Phil picked up where she left off.

"We'll even give you tips on how to successfully date another person in case you're one of those sad bastards that forgot how to People properly." He said. AJ smiled.

"We'll provide you real-time advice through our state-of-the-art dating coach devices-" Phil pulled a Bluetooth ear piece from out of his pocket as AJ continued to speak. "-so that you'll never have to worry about messing up or saying something that will run your date off!" Phil put the ear piece back into his pocket.

"And we'll make sure you speak proper English, too!" Phil harped as he pointed at the screen with a menacing face. Vince gasped at the face Phil made. AJ aggressively yet politely stepped in front of Phil, causing him to make a pitiable face.

"So," She started. "Give us a call and schedule an appointment! The number is listed below us! One-Eight-Hundred-G-E-T-S-O-M-E! That's One-Eight-Hundred-Seven-Six-Six-Three! You can even visit us directly at our shop and we can help you there. We're open from Seven AM to Nine PM. See you soon!" Phil stepped out from behind his wife after peaking behind her.

"Come get some!" He yelled as he threw up hand gestures, causing AJ to look back at him with a stern face briefly before turning back to the camera and smiling. The commercial went off and the opening to the show Friends replaced it. Vince grimaced again and hastefully turned off the television. He scratched his chin.

"Those two may be onto something." He said as he began to brainstorm about how to insert the Undertaker into Phil and AJ's budding business. He then shook his head. "No. Not a good idea. I'll just do it myself." He nodded as the water from the ceiling hoses (they, along with the smoke alarms, were still going off) continued to rain water down on him and everything else in the room.


	2. Client One

AJ spent the last past week getting all the paperwork together and taking information given to them by several clients and potential candidates, while Phil got the building clean and in order for the grand opening. AJ and Phil contacted a dating agency that AJ knew of and told them her idea. The owner agreed to help them and offered a black book full of potential clients to get started. AJ then spent time contacting several restaurants, leaving Phil to tend to the shop while she was away. Once Phil finished with the last bit of cleaning, he took it upon himself to look at AJ's record book to see if he knew any of the clients she screened. Before he could get any information, however, he heard the bell letting him know someone had come inside. He scurried to put the book back down and ran for the door to see AJ standing in the shop. Phil smiled, signaling to AJ that he had been up to no good.

"What did you do?" AJ asked him. Phil shrugged.

"What?" He responded. "I didn't do nothing."

"Sure, and I'm Queen of the Dragons." Phil then pointed to AJ's head.

"Well, you've got the look." She looked at her hair and noticed its color: powder white. She looked up to the ceiling as if she were looking at someone.

"Excuse me?" she said. "This is NOT how my hair is going to be drawn this chapter, or any chapter! Fix it!" That moment, a giant eraser appeared out of nowhere, causing Phil to fall to the floor in terror. The eraser proceed to actually erase AJ's hair, leaving a void where her hair normally would be. The eraser was then replaced by a black magic marker. The marker proceeded to 'draw' AJ's hair normal hairdo. When it was done, it disappeared.

"Thank you." AJ said sweetly before looking over to Phil; the events concerning AJ's hair had him petrified. The petite woman looked back to the ceiling. "Can you un-Sub-Zero Phil please? I kinda need him to not be Sub-Zero'ed." AJ then witnessed a mass of multicolored glitter fall on top of Phil. He unfroze and began screaming.

"What the hell!" He yelped. "What the hell just happened? Who the hell dumped glitter on me again?" AJ waved off Phil's questions.

"You forgot already?" She said. "You went to that rave party again last night and they dumped glitter on you after you let that one dude rub your butt. By the way, let's NOT do that again." Phil looked worried.

"I don't remember me letting no dude rub my ass." He said.

"Well, you did, and you got paid in glitter, you nasty whore." AJ then slapped him across the face. "Snap out of it!" She then walked around the office space and noticed it to be spotless. "You sure do know how to clean things."

"Isn't that why you love me?" Phil asked as he rubbed the side of his face.

"No. I love you because you have a big-" Phil interrupted her before she could finish her thought.

"Hey!" AJ peeped her head out of the office room.

"Heart, douche handle. I was going to say heart." Phil nodded.

"Sure you were." He then thought about something. "What were you going around the restaurants doing anyhow?"

"Setting up cameras." AJ said simply as if there were nothing wrong with that answer.

"Setting up cameras?"

"Yup."

"In the restaurants."

"Yup."

"Why?"

"So we can creep on the dates we set up and give them guidance and advice. You know, because we're boss like that."

"What kind of restaurant would let you take control of their security cameras?" AJ sucked her teeth.

"I'm not taking over their cameras." AJ explained. "We are using our own!" Phil shook his head.

"I don't know about this, Apes." He said. "I feel like we're in over our heads with this one."

"We're not. We got this!" That moment, the couple heard the bell go off again. They turned to see a familiar face staring back at them.

"Our first client!" AJ said with excitement. Their first client was none other than Saraya-Jade Bevis, the young woman known by her work name Paige. Paige put on a smile.

"Hi!" Paige greeted warmly. "I was sent here by Miss Kitty. She told me you were doing the whole matchmaking thing."

"We are." Phil said apathetically.

"Gee, Punkie." Paige said sarcastically. "Don't sell your business too much. You might get overwhelmed with customers."

"It was her idea." Phil pointed to AJ who was beaming from ear to ear.

"You can trust us to match you up with your best match, Ry-Ry!" She said. Phil then thought about something.

"Aren't you dating someone already?" He asked Paige.

"Not anymore." She answered. "He decided he wanted me to start dressing up like random animals in the bedroom. Yeah, not my thing to dress up like a squirrel or a meerkat."

"Oh my God Mode!" AJ said. "That is so weird. Who would ever think dressing up as animals is sexy?" Phil looked at his wife in disgust.

"First you're a racist." He started. "Then you shame the Furries. Apes, you're gonna get so much heat for this from all the Furries reading this." Paige looked at him.

"Reading what?" She asked skeptically.

"Don't worry about it." AJ stomped her foot.

"I'm not a racist!" She harped. "Nor am I a shamer!" AJ then looked to Paige. "Don't worry, Saraya. We got cha! Just come into my office and I'll take down your particulars!" AJ walked with Paige into her office towards the back of the building.

"What am I supposed to do?" Phil asked.

"Take more customers!" He heard AJ yell from the back. Phil mumbled obscenities to himself.

In the office, AJ sat down in her seat and pulled out the little black book she was given. Paige looked around the room and began to feel slightly uncomfortable as she scanned the decorations.

"This room is... uncomfortably pink." She explained.

"I know." AJ replied. "Phil painted and decorated it. He thought pink would help the clients fall in love." Paige gripped her arms as if she were cold.

"It's giving me the shivers." She said. "Can't you fix this?"

"I can only do that once a chapter." AJ explain, confusing Paige further.

"Chapter? What are you going on about?" AJ smiled.

"Never mind." She said innocently. She then pulled out a frilly pink pen and put her pink glasses on as she prepared to write in her pink notebook. "So, Saraya. Tell me about yourself." Paige looked around the room in confusion.

"Whadduya mean?" She asked. "We're friends. You already know everything about me."

"Maybe, but I'll need to write it down and I can't remember everything." Paige shrugged.

"Okay." AJ clapped her hands together.

"Great! So, tell me what you're looking for. Man? Woman? Both?" Paige blinked.

"Both?" She asked. "As in like a He-She?" AJ winced.

"Is that what you're into?" Paige narrowed her eyes.

"Please let it be One-hundred percent man." Paige replied. AJ nodded.

"Now, what are some of your hobbies?"

"Umm….I guess I enjoy collecting shot glasses." Paige then raised her finger. "Oh! I also like going out to clubs to dance and hang out and stuff. I like hats. Well, ball caps. I like to play jokes, too." AJ jotted down what Paige told her.

"Okay." AJ said. "Now, would you consider yourself more a chill kinda girl or an active girl?"

"Oh, totally active. All the way."

"Nice. Just as I thought. Okay, do you consider yourself a romantic or more of a sauce pot?" Paige thought about that a bit.

"I love romance." She replied. "But, I'll have to say I'm more of a saucy gal." AJ smirked.

"Oooo, Ry-Ry. So nasty!" Paige giggled.

"What can I say? I love the D." AJ laughed then went back to writing.

"Okay, okay. I'm sure I know this one, but I have to ask anyway. Do you consider yourself more of a social butterfly or a wallflower?" Paige nodded.

"This is pretty deep, huh?" She asked.

"Well." AJ started. "We want to match you with someone who fits you the closest, so we have to cover all the bases."

"Gotcha. Well, I think I'm more of a wallflower but others don't think so. I don't know."

"Well, if you think you're a wallflower then that's what you are."

"You're right. I'm a wallflower." AJ smiled and jotted down the information.

"Okay." She began again. "Do you think you're more adventurous or more of a cut-and-dry kind of girl?"

"Oh, I don't know." Paige said. "I have my moments in both, but I like adventure more than I like staying home and facing the norm."

"Alright. I'll mark you down as adventurous then. Do you have anything you want to add to your file? Like a personal message or something?" Paige thought for a moment.

"Nope." She answered. "Can't think of anything." AJ smiled.

"Well, I think you're in luck! We've got the perfect guy for you! We're sending you both to the Jamaican Bistro down the street from here! Think you can be there at Seven PM?" Paige widened her eyes.

"Wow!" She said. "Of course. I'm actually excited about this. I trust you to hook me up with a great guy. Problem is, I haven't been on a date in so long." AJ then proceeded to hand Paige a bluetooth ear piece.

"Wear this when you get to the bistro." She told Paige. "We'll help you out with tips and things so you don't mess up." Paige smiled.

"This is so cool! I can't believe I'm doing this!"

"Well, Be-" Before AJ could finish, Bo Dallas appeared from behind her chair.

"Bo-live it!" He shouted, flashing his signature grin. Paige looked at Bo whom appeared to be frozen in time. She then looked back to AJ, whom was smiling.

"Ummm." She started. "Do you not see him standing behind you?" AJ raised her hand.

"Give it a moment." She said. They waited a few minutes before AJ grew impatient.

"Phil!" She shouted.

"What?" Phil shouted back from the front of the store.

"Bo's back! I know you heard him!" Phil ran into the room. He then poked Bo on the chest and Bo began to rock back and forth as if he were dizzy.

"Finish him!" Everyone heard a voice say. Paige blinked, confused as to what was going on. She then saw Phil crouch twice, step back once, and then step forward once. The entire room then darkened as if all of the lights were turned off. Paige look around in confusion as a familiar fanfare played from the ceiling. Phil then grabbed Bo's neck with inhuman grip and proceeded to pull his head off with his spine attached to the skull. Bo's headless body fell to the floor in a bloody heap. Paige screamed at the sight of it all.

"Oh my fucking god!" Paige shouted as she ran to one corner of the room. They all then heard the same voice from earlier speak up.

"Fatality!" It said. Phil then dropped the head on the floor with a thud and witness an ostrich holding a broom in one wing and a dustpan in the other, walk through and sweep up Bo Dallas's remains. While the large bird swept, the Super Mario Brothers 3 fanfare that played when a stage was cleared played in the background. The ostrich left the room and the light in the room returned. AJ sighed as she had been waiting patiently for the ordeal to end. She then looked over at where Paige was and noticed that she had fainted. She opened her drawer and pulled out a bucket of ice water, walked over to Paige, and dumped the bucket of cold water on her. Paige woke up instantly, fighting the water in shock.

"Wake up!" AJ yelled. "You have a date to get ready for." Paige slung the water on her arms on the ground.

"What….the fuck…is going on in this place!?" Paige snapped back. Phil blinked.

"Don't know what you're talking about." Phil said. "But time's a-wastin'! You better go get ready." All Paige could do was blink in bewilderment.

"Okay." She said as her right eye began to twitch. She slowly walked out of the office, leaving Phil and AJ by themselves. Phil looked over at AJ.

"What do we do now?" Phil said. AJ smiled, walked up to Phil, and slapped him on the behind.

"You can change your clothes." She said to him. "As hot as it is, you cannot walk around looking like Scorpion all day. My ovaries would not survive that." Phil sighed.

"Fine. I'll go change." Phil left and AJ felt a rush of excitement flow through her.

"I can't believe this! My first client!"

 **A/N: I had fun writing this chapter! I hope you had fun reading it! Stay tuned for the next chapter real soon!**


End file.
